Layers of the Onion

If you have done any kind of personal development work with me, you have probably heard my analogy that healing is like peeling away layers of an onion. Some layers are very thin and others are thick. My healing process has been very much like peeling layers of an onion. There always seems to be another layer, it is a never ending process.

This weekend we performed our second gig. This time the venue was a bar/club scene with young kids (very drunk kids), girls dancing with girls, bar fights...the whole nine yards. It was a a little intimidating to say the least, especially since the bar scene was never my thing. Dave Barrios played bass for us, and thanks to him, he took control of the mic and all I had to do was sing. I felt myself feeling very self-conscious...I put on a good show, but afterward (and into the next day) I was feeling small and unworthy. I even started to doubt my wonderful new boyfriend who is nothing but kind to me...I was doubting my worthiness of his love, it all started creeping back. The good news is, I was CONSCIOUS of my SUB-CONSCIOUS. I could see exactly what was happening. I just kept taking deep breaths throughout the day and soothing that little child inside of me. By the end of the day, the unworthiness fell away and I was MoonGirl again. Andy looked at me with his sweet, beaming eyes and all was right in the Universe again.

I wonder how I am going to overcome this hump...if I will ever truly be a strong frontman for this band project. I love the singing and performing part, but put a mic in front of me to SPEAK to a crowd and I am flustered. Its weird how I am like that. In my head I can see myself doing it, I can imagine myself schmoozing the crowd and introducing the next song...but when I get onstage I just can't do it. I always wonder how David Byrne did it, he was not a real social guy, but he was a showman, and he was the frontman for his band.

So, this is what I have to work on. Hmmm.