Apology/Forgiveness

The past few weeks have been eye opening for me. I have come to realize what a judgmental and egotistical person I have been despite my claims that I am open-minded and forgiving. This revelation came to me after I wrote that last post about The Bucket List.

I did not mean to put down those who write a bucket list. It just really bugs me when people say they want to do this or that before they die. This is a personal thing. I personally do not like to think about death or dwell upon it, let alone make plans for all the things I need to do before I meet my death. My dad died when I was young, and my first husband died before he turned 40...so I am acutely aware of my fragility as a human being. So, I put those thoughts and feelings in my back pocket. I make goals for myself and make a conscious effort to better myself at all times. Its not because I might die tomorrow, but its because I want to experience lots of stuff while I am here and feel comfortable in my body and be at peace with my soul. I am finally at a place in my life where I am not pining away for true love, a mansion, millions of dollars. I have this feeling that I have finally "arrived". I am the person I have always wanted to be, now I work on perfecting the flaws that remain...such as being judgmental.

Another thing that happened is that I started connecting with all my friends in High School on Facebook. I finally found my best friend David who I have been searching for for years. He sent me a personal message one day and told me that I had written him a letter years ago that was hurtful and he never forgot it. I do not even remember writing this letter. Sadly, I know I probably DID write it because I knew at the time I was extremely jealous of him for being intelligent and witty...he was the type of person who could do anything he wanted to do and succeed. He was always so confident and sure of himself, I was self absorbed, shy and needy. When I got accepted in a performing arts school, I know my ego exploded...I really thought I was the shit...and I was going to show EVERYONE, especially David, how successful I was going to be. Fast forward 25 years later...I never became a rich and famous actress, instead I struggled emotionally, financially and spiritually. I am finally in a happy place after all this time, and I realize how foolish, angry and jealous I really was of all the people who adored me. It is a bittersweet feeling to be reunited with my old friends. They are all wonderful people and they have accomplished so much in their lives. It is amazing.

Facebook has brought to my attention how many amazing people I have encountered in my life and what roles they have played throughout the years. I love them all dearly, and I am grateful for this opportunity to heal.